A Comprehensive Birthday List

First of all, an apology to any friends or family members reading this in the hopes that I had finally decided on what I wanted for my birthday.

I mean, I have – but none of this can be purchased on Amazon. Soz. Again.

  • A Personal Declutterer

Not an actual job title (I don’t think??) but essentially a person who comes around to my flat and makes me throw away all the crap that I do not need. I’m talking clothes that I now hate, bras that do not fit, knick-knacks that really should not knick or knack etc etc. It’s all gotta go and this person will do it for me.

They will have a telepathic link to know exactly what I use and what should never have been bought in the first place. They will be ruthless, nothing should be left in limbo. I either use it or I don’t. Fin.

  • A Personal Slapper-Away-of-Food

Does what it says on the tin. This person would literally slap away junk food from my hand. Just one hard thwack every time I pick up something that my body is craving because I had a crap day. Donuts, thwack. Chocolate, thwack. Pizza, thwack and thwack again for that slice they saw me sneak into my bag when I thought they weren’t looking.

  • A Personal Trainer

Finally, an actual job title that exists. Look, I’ve been meaning to lose that weight I found when I took a desk job 3 years ago but it is literally bonded to me and I am so freakin’ lazy. SlugLyf. I need some super motivated person to encourage me to do those work outs I keep saving to Pinterest.

  • Super-detailed careers advice

I’m talking pie charts, statistics, delving into my psyche to figure out what makes me tick and what I can do for the rest of my life. They’ll analyse my emotions, my temperament, what I’m best suited for, what courses I need to do (they’ll even pay for them, that’s how freakin’ dedicated they are!) and when I need to do them by.

My life goals = Sorted.

On reflection… there is a definite theme here. Essentially, I want to sort my life out but I want someone else to do it for me, you know?

I guess that’s a lot to ask for when it’s such a non-event like turning 24. Maybe next year… I feel like turning a quarter of a century is when I can truly ask for a Personal Life Sorter Outer.



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